Upset. Exhausted. Sick

08.16.14

I love being naked.

08.15.2014

It’s creeping on me again 

and I’m not sure what to do.

Crashed down today.

Maybe I should get back on my meds.

08.15.2014

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/noreena-sondhi-lewis/what-recovery-from-an-eat_b_5655615.html

One of my trip notes from mid June

"Woke up from nap confused now
I feel numb
Different families are talking now when I close my eyes
I’m a ball now
I feel like I’m floating in the space
I met a sand r
Plastic bags a agree flaps tying
Most beautiful forms of sleeping
The wise man did not appear
Drink detox drinks kale
I saw a woman with many pores on her mouthm
My carpet became ny
Didn’t 32¥*.{ sunburst are that strong
Who the fuck defined depression it’s in your head
Under the water At sea
Vitamins are moor taint
One eye ex ostrich told me yolo”

08.05.2014

I just realized that this will be a never ending war.
My body will always remember how it felt. My mind will always remember how it felt.
I may forget about it in different short periods of times, but I will always remember.
I relapsed after three years, because I knew how good it felt.

This will go on until I die.

08.05.2014

I don’t know

Do I believe in this?
Why?

Too much went on in my head tonight.

What do I want to happen?
What do I really want?

07.30.2014

I love you. And I miss you…….. I’m sorry for hurting you.

When it happens,
Please tell my family I tried and that I’m sorry.
I truly love them, but I just couldn’t anymore.

Yes it will hurt, but you will move on. It just takes time.
I love you all really and thank you for taking care of me until the day I die.
Hopefully it will work, hopefully tomorrow it will happen. Even if it doesn’t, I’ll keep on trying until it does.

Thank you for bearing with me. Thank you for trying to make me better. Thank you for making me live this far. Thank you for not leaving me and staying with me. Thank you for caring. Thank you for loving me.

But the day will come soon, where hopefully it will all end. I just don’t think I can fight this battle any longer.

I’m sorry to everyone that I ever hurt in my life. I apologize for hurting you, however it was. I have no rights to hurt anyone in the world and I truly am sorry for that.

And know that, I really was grateful for all the happy moments I shared with you. I am thankful that I had you in my life.

I hope this will not make anyone feel guilty. It’s not your fault. It wasn’t your responsibility to try to save me from this hell. It’s all mine. I was a mistake to start with and all I feel like was destroy things.

Hopefully it will happen. Hopefully this will be the good bye.

07.28.14

I don’t want to live….

Why do I keep on surviving..

Just take me away already.

I have nothing left. 

Why are you making me survive.

Why. Why. Why.

"It was right then that I started thinking about Thomas Jefferson on the Declaration of Independence and the part about our right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

And I remember thinking how did he know to put the pursuit part in there? That maybe happiness is something that we can only pursue and maybe we can actually never have it.

- The Pursuit of Happyness

I’ve been seeking happiness all my life, it maybe one of the biggest reasons I became suicidal and depressed.

What I realized though, is that happiness is not something you are just born with or something that you just come by -  you have to pursue it.

7.25.2014

It’s amazing how fast smokers bond.
No matter where you are, no matter which country you’re in, no matter which language you speak,
Just the fact that you have a cigarette in your mouth builds an instant connection with another smoker.
Maybe it’s because you share the guilt of doing something that you both know is bad.
It’s odd.

7.23.2014

888mg dxm x 217.5mg oxy

7.23.2014

I can’t so thjs

7.23.2014

Started with two, just two.

Then took 3… I didn’t feel it…
Just 6 more… I think I feel it now…
And 9 more…. Oh my, this is it..

Oh fuck.. I’m out…
More …
I want more…
I need more…
I need more….